For Us Thanksgiving Was Over Before You Carved Your Turkey – Another Thanksgiving Adventure With Uzi

For most of us that work in the Uzi family grocery stores our Thanksgiving is over before you the reader of this blog even begin yours. Upon reflection I believe most of us will agree that Uzi was even more weird this Thanksgiving than he has ever been in the past. Some of this was the result of the new technology that Uzi is using to run his crumbling empire while the rest of the weirdness is probably the result of the need to increase the dosage of something that he is taking.

If most of you have not figured it out yet this blog is an outlet for not only myself but also  some of my fellow patients at the Uzi family grocery store chain and mental health clinic. In essence we hate this particular holiday yet like abused spouses we keep coming back for more. Why is that? Who cares?

Thanksgiving you see is the most important holiday for retail food stores everywhere. Some industry experts say that a typical supermarket will do 20% of its annual sales from the week or so before Thanksgiving to the end of December. So you see for the Uzi family it is the time of year that the cash register rings really loud and often which means that all of the Uzi family pigs come to the trough to fatten up. There are more trips around the world to take, more clubs to join and more money to salt away from watching eyes.

To show our readers that we are a blog that keeps up on current events let us tell you that Uzi and one of his brother-in-laws keep all of us up to date on the economic morass that the world finds itself in. As we were all giving it 110% in the stores and had been working the 24 – 7 schedule for weeks both of them let us know just how bad things were “out there” and how President Obama’s new health care plan had so many hidden costs that things were not looking like they were getting better – at least for us workers read no raises again and no bonuses. Yep here we were giving it our all, thanking the customers, stocking the shelves, being shouted at by the customers, working in filthy conditions with equipment that should have been junked decades ago and they told us how bleak it was out there. Such an inspiring management style they have. Actually they have the social and management graces of an impacted wisdom tooth.

It goes without saying that when the average consumer thinks about their Thanksgiving holiday dinner the image posted above comes to mind. For the older/ancient readers of this blog perhaps something out of a Norman Rockwell painting is in your mind and for the younger readers something that one might see on the Food Network. Yes it is a grand time to eat well, get together with friends and family to gorge ourselves on good food while listening to some of the bizarre things that come out of each others mouths around the dinner table.

For the person responsible for making this meal happen the effort necessary to pull off a successful holiday celebration begins sometimes weeks ahead of time or at least a few days before Thanksgiving. These modern-day Martha Stewarts, Paula Deans and Rachel Rays usually begin by planning the head count and dishes to be served. Then it was off to the grocery store for these holiday warriors to gather the provisions that they need feed the hordes.

First on the list is the main course and in most cases this is a turkey. The ongoing debate has been whether to procure a fresh turkey or a frozen one. Yes some just prefer a turkey breast however after a Thanksgiving working for the Uzi family I myself prefer a Stouffers microwave dinner with a Valium chaser.

So today the decision as to whether to select a fresh or frozen turkey rests more on the cost per pound of the bird and/or what kind of promotions your regular supermarket is having on turkeys. For many years now the turkey has been a loss leader for stores meaning that they will give the turkey away for cost or below cost in order for the consumer to purchase all of the other ‘fixin’s’ at their store. Some stores would give you a turkey free if you purchased so much in groceries over the weeks preceding Thanksgiving while others retailers would offer special prices on the bird for their bonus card saving customers.

Oh yes back to the fresh or frozen turkey discussion. Well if the consumer knew how long that frozen turkey has been frozen they might think twice about getting one but today it comes down to price. Yes the American consumer wants it cheaper than ever especially if they work for someone like a Uzi since they do not have that much money for food.

For the most part fresh does mean fresh although I do know of one large poultry supplier that flash freezes their freshly killed turkeys so that it has a little frost on it but all in all they are fresh.

I often wonder how these poultry farms can sell us a fresh turkey at 99 cents to 2 something a pound and make money on it. What with the cost of feed, veterinarian expenses, transportation, processing, packing, marketing and what not it seems like not a big money-maker but year after year they do it.

There are some consumers that today have neither the time or inclination to cook a turkey so they buy packaged turkey dinners from their supermarket. Safeway, Stop and Shop, Whole Foods/Whole Paycheck and others sell these meals pre-cooked and in a box complete with side dishes, rolls and pies for prices that range from $50 to hundreds of dollars. The late gonzo journalist Hunter S Thompson once wrote that the “Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved” while I submit to you the readers that any consumer that goes for one of these boxed holiday dinners is lazy and mental as well while also having no taste.

For the most part the supermarket chains do not bring in thousands of gourmet chefs the week of Thanksgiving to prepare that special meal for you their valued customer no they buy the dinners and sides already prepared and throw them in a box. The bigger the chain the less of a chance that it is store made. As a matter of fact the Uzi family of stores/mental health clinics is relatively small in number and they do not prepare one damn thing that goes in the box. The turkeys come in pre-cooked, the side dishes are in microwaveable containers, the pies were frozen and rolls were heated up.

For the love of god people you can not take a turkey home, spread some butter on it and throw it in the oven until the plastic pop-up shoots out to say that it is done? It is supposed to be that time of year for friends and dysfunctional family members to gather round and enjoy the moment.

Well Uzi has communicated to all of us inmates that we did a great job this year however sales were down but not because of our efforts so the state of morale is just above that of the crew of the Titanic before it sank. Another holiday has come and gone and as the Uzi family settles in to their chairs around the dinner table to gossip about all of the whining employees and how much money they made this Thanksgiving the rest of us will collapse in our beds knowing that we made through it alive.

Happy Thanksgiving from Supermarket Stories.

AB

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